MY STORY

Everyone has a certain story laced within their life that tends to define them in one way or another. Mine is one full of fear, loss, hope, love, and bravery. I share my experience and all of the things that came with it in hopes to connect and give strength to others. Hang on tight! 

Let me briefly begin by giving you my background. I grew up in northern California with my two fabulous parents and three younger brothers. We were raised actively in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints - we are Mormons. I played sports, danced, had great friends, and involved parents all through my adolescent to teenage years. I wasn't perfect, but I worked hard, had good grades, and graduated four years of early morning Seminary (it was a miracle!). I became a licensed cosmetologist just following my senior year of highschool and had plans to take off to the state of Utah to attend college at Utah Valley University (January 2009). I was excited. I had plans galore. So off I went! Long story short, I struggled. I wasn't prepared for it. I slacked off at school while my social life became my priority. My grades slipped, boys came and went. I made great friends and made good memories while I still missed home and my family. In the summer of 2010 I began dating someone (lets call him BD). Someone my mother didn't get good vibes from but I continued to date him because I refused to see what she saw (call me stubborn I suppose). After a few months, poor decisions were made. My worst nightmare was upon me.  

Plans change. Consequences are real.


Late in November of 2010 I sunk into a ball of despair on a bathroom floor. The test stick showed I was indeed, pregnant. Ouch. My head swirled with thoughts from, "What will everyone think?", "How will I tell my parents? Can I just die now?", to "Wow is this for real?". From here, life became hell. If I'm being truthfully honest, that is how it went. I had to figure out a way to tell my parents. Timing landed right over Christmas Break. Perfect. Let me tell you...Chuck-E-Cheese is forever my least favorite place on this Earth. My mom found me throwing up my recently eaten pizza in the bathroom of this fine establishment. I'm going to let you in on a secret and HUGE life lesson...my mother is all knowing. Many of my posts are dedicated to her, and that still won't be enough to thank her for being my mother and best friend. Back to the craziness, my mother guessed my secret right away. Another ouch. 

I felt the need to stay with BD in Utah and try and make things work. Chalk it up to being LDS, wanting a family, and imagining the joy this baby could bring. My parents, while being extremely disappointed in me, were supportive. They knew I had to figure things out for myself. At this point however, BD's issues had already surfaced. Not to get into too much detail, I began dealing with someone who had insane highs and lows (daily). He was manipulative in an attempt to control me. I was cut off from my friends and the furthest from my family than I had ever been in my entire life. He did not allow me to communicate with anyone except him. On a consistent basis I was stressed out, always saying I was sorry for things that made no sense, and crying myself to sleep. I couldn't keep any food down (this went on for months), I quit my job, dropped out of that semester at school, and could barely get out of bed most days. He would threaten me, ignore me, and sometimes leave me for days at a family friends house. Some days he was in a good mood and would be kind, speak of a fabulous future together, and pretend like nothing he did was ever uncalled for. I was weak and very sick. I was alone and living in hell dealing with someone mentally unstable. To explain these things and feelings to you is only barely scratching the surface - I was so low I cannot even comprehend some of the thoughts I had during this time. They have been erased from my memory and lifted from burdening me anymore - I have the Lord to thank for that. 

The night I called my mother and told her I was ready to come home, she was armed and ready. The very next morning she and one of my brothers drove out to Utah. This day was bright. This day I felt love and a sliver of hope. Forever grateful I will be for my mother's eagerness in saving me from the torture I lived in. We packed up the car that night, spent time with our favorite family friends, then left home for California the next morning. 

I spent the summer living with my family and can say that this decision was what saved me mentally, physically, and spiritually. It took me about a month to recover and remember who I was again. I began focusing more on my spirituality, attending my family ward, reading my scriptures, and praying constantly. I got a job being an assistant to the owner of an award winning salon, I began being able to keep food down with help from anti-nausea pills from my doctor, I could exercise finally, and I got to spend needed time with my brothers. My life improved drastically...however an aching pit still sat in my stomach. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I wore my mistake every day. Even though most communication was cut off between BD and I, he would still email me or text me regarding the baby. Lawyers were threatened, taking the baby for summers was demanded, and his ability to make me emotionally distraught was still very real. I wanted to keep this baby, I've always wanted to be a mother, but something still wasn't right. I wasn't connecting with the baby growing in my belly, I was angry. I may get flack for this statement and it's something you may not have any comprehension for, but I knew this baby wasn't meant for me. It wasn't my time, not the right place, and definitely not with the right man. The day I found out the gender, a boy, I couldn't find it in myself to be excited. My parents were there and my grandparents were in town and able to join us. They tried to make that day a happy one. I cried. I cried for this little boy, I cried for my circumstances, I cried asking my Heavenly Father ,"Why?". My mom began mentioning that I look into adoption, just to explore the idea in my mind. I remember being mad that she brought it up. How could I ever even think about giving this baby to someone else?! No way. Plus, my mother wanted this baby and to be a grandma more than I wanted to be a mom! Thankfully, my parents were supportive and decided that any and all decisions about my life and this baby were mine to make. 

At seven months pregnant, I entered LDS Services with my mom by side, holding my hand. Nervous, unsure, and wondering if I should bolt for the door, I met my counselor Mr. Keele. Instantly I found that he was sweet, non-judgmental, and definitely in no way there to push adoption on me. At this point adoption was not what I wanted, I simply wanted information on the subject. Mr. Keele did a fabulous job at making me feel comfortable as I explained my situation in full detail. He listened intently and provided me with the information I wanted and needed to hear. My mom and I left the office and I remember sitting in the warm car. We were happy we went and happy to hear what he had to say. However, my thoughts were still clouded and I was still unsure of what to do. To say that I prayed every day about what I should do is hardly accurate. Every minute of every day was I speaking with my Heavenly Father. I found myself on my knees constantly praying and begging for an answer. I remember my brothers would skip out on activities with their friends just to take me to the movies, go eat with me, and do anything they could to make me feel better. After I got home at the end of my long days at the salon, they would carry me up the stairs because my feet and back were so sore! Boy were they good to me. Dad would go to the gym with me, my youngest brother would cuddle with me, and my mom was my daily companion and best friend. 


About a month before my due date, my mom had pulled up some bio's from families looking to adopt listed on the LDS Family Services websites. She picked out a few couples with no children or one at the most, living in the state of California. I read them, they seemed nice. I wasn't feeling any connection to any of them though. Then she pulled up a couple that was maybe a few years younger than my own parents, already had two adopted children, and lived in a small town in Arizona. Two sentences in, I became overwhelmed with the spirit. I couldn't finish reading the bio my eyes were so full of tears. My mom and I sat there in the kitchen, crying, as my dad came in from the backyard. He was confused..."What's wrong with you two?" I couldn't form the words so my mom did, "She found who she was looking for. I think she found the family."

As peace came over my life and things fell into place, I met the Miller's two weeks later. My love for them was instant. We both wanted an open adoption. The Miller's were MY blessing. This baby boy was meant for them. My answer was clear and true. A weight was lifted from my shoulders and everything was in place (including BD agreeing with placing the baby). Obviously, still a difficult decision, my family and I knew without a doubt that my prayers had been answered. 

10 days after my due date, 24 hours of labor, and one emergency c-section later, Camden James Shearer was born August 18, 2011 at 7:37am - 8 lbs 1 ounce, and 20(3/4) inches long. Three days later his name became Dayton Kyle Miller - and this name suits him much better!!


20 comments:

  1. Kylie thank you so much for sharing. Words can't even express how impressed I am with you that you are sharing your story. Thank you, you're an amazing person.

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    1. Those are such kind words!! Thank you :)

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  2. I love that you shared. Reading this, I started to cry realizing that this could've been me too. Thankfully it wasn't because I'm definitely not as strong as you are!! You're amazing! Love you Ky!

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    1. Oh Christie, you're such a fabulous person inside and out! Miss you! xoxo

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  3. Ky-ky, you are amazing. This made me cry!! I'm sorry I wasn't there for you more during that time... I'm so glad you had so many people supporting and loving you during such a difficult time in your life. You are such a great example of strength and courage. I love you so much!! Thank you for being so brave, and for strengthening my testimony in the power of prayer and listening to the spirit.

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    1. Natalie, you will always be my angel. You've always been such a good example to me! Thank you for the sweet words...Love you and see you soon! :)

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  4. Kylie, you're amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You have always been an example of strength to me and I wish we had stayed closer and that I could've been there for you. Everything happens for a reason and I think you of all people have discovered that. I know this blog will uplift, inspire, and encourage all kinds of people. We all have our struggles, thank you for being willing to share your story of real hope.

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    1. Trisha, thank you so much for reading and sharing this blog! I so very much appreciate the support and love! Hope you are well! XOXO

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  5. Wow! You are so brave for making such a selfless and hard choice. Even more brave to share your story with others. Your helping broken hearts.

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    1. Thank you :) Broken hearts take time to mend...sharing my story is another way to assist my own healing. Thank you for the compliments, very sweet!

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  6. It's heartbreaking to read your story- knowing only a small part of what you went through. You are so strong and I am so glad to see what you have done in your life! Love from me and Chris.

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    1. I was so happy to see a comment from you two! Thank you for always being my friend and supporting me through this craziness. I hope all is well with you both!! XOXO

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  7. It is really cool to hear how you included Heavenly Father and the Savior in the adoption and healing process. You are a good writer, too, so all of these really intricate details were conveyed well, and I really felt the power in what you say. Thank you for writing and sharing this.

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    1. Thanks Steven!! Couldn't have gotten through it without my Heavenly Father, that was such a large part there was no where I couldn't include it! Thanks for the kind words!

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  8. I don't know you but I've been connected with Dayton's mom through the book of Mormon instagram page and she seems so incredible! I understand why you chose her and her family to becomes Dayton's family. She told me about your blog and I'm so glad! I am also an adoptive mom of three children and your story is beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes because it's so personal to me too. Isn't the miracle of adoption such a beautiful thing. Each side of the equation looking for each other!! You are an amazing girl and I admire and respect you so much. I wish the best of luck to you in your adventures. You deserve the world! You're an angel!!

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    1. Jill, I am so happy to hear that Alliene shared this with you, I'm sure you both have much in common! Adoption has been such a blessing in my life, as I'm sure it has been in yours. Thank you for reading and thank you for your support!

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  9. As stated above by others, you are a powerful writer. I hope you continue to express yourself. I very much appreciate your willingness to speak so openly and your ability to express yourself so clearly. I am grateful for your strength, grateful for the love showed by your family, and grateful for how grounded you live your life. Yours is a voice I would like to hear more of. Truly beautiful.

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    1. Thank you Herman! Wow what a comment - thank you for the well thought out compliments. It truly makes me happy to know that people enjoy what I put out there. Thank you for your support!!

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  10. You don't know me but I stumbled across your blog through a friend on Facebook. I think that Herman wrote my thoughts exactly. I kept crying when you wrote about your family- especially your brothers. :) Thank you for your willingness to share your inner struggles and the relationship you have developed with the Savior. What a beautiful testimony and example you are living. You are a light on a hill and a beacon for others. May the Lord continue to strengthen you!

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    1. Tina, thank you for reading! I cry when I re-read my own story!! Writing about my story helps me work through my struggles and it makes me happy to know that I can inspire and lift others by it. Thank you for stopping by and making my day!!

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