Thursday, June 9, 2016

The Truth: Emotional Consequences of Adoption



It hasn’t been all fairytales and happiness since placing my birth son. It’s had its hard moments. The deep lows, emotional struggle, and a kind of hole in your heart you keep trying to fill with positive thoughts, people, and love. With an honest heart, I can tell you I have never once regretted my decision to place Dayton with his adoptive family. If there is someone exploring adoption, I want to tell you that I believe the benefits greatly outweigh any negative. However, there are emotional consequences to such a selfless choice.

Typically, during a visit with Dayton and the Miller’s, I feel such incredible peace and reassurance. Every time. And I’m grateful for those overwhelming feelings. After our time with one another ends, there’s a silence that takes over my mind and body. A silence wherein I can see and feel what’s most important in this life. Our families, our loved ones. 

And I begin to feel that gaping hole in my heart. 

The regret that I didn’t do it right the first time, that I didn’t bring a child into this world with all of the right circumstances. I struggle with my perfectionist self that my life hasn’t happened how I planned… that I still don’t have it right. My heart begins to hurt, and I struggle with thoughts and feelings of inadequacy for a number of nights. 

I cry more than I used to. I'm sensitive to things I can't even always pinpoint a reason for. Heck, I'm fighting back tears as I write this!

What gets me through? Unconditional love from those around me. And a lot of work on seeing the grander scheme of things.

I’m still learning and growing, we all are. But one things for sure, I can relate to so many people now. The depth of love and understanding I have for my friends, family, and the people I meet or don’t… I never want them to feel alone or unworthy. Because they’re not.

I talk a lot about loving ourselves and building our self-esteem because along my path, I lost myself. Then had to find it again. I have this desire to share with others how I learned to do it and how to maintain it. Loving ourselves takes hard work, so be patient. I also talk a lot about how important GOOD and HEALTHY friends & family are. There is a safe place with them to talk about our lives, our loves, our fears and our struggles. They hug us through our worst and support us at our best. 

The hole in my heart may never fully go away and I think about Dayton probably every single day! But I have such a LOVE for open adoption and for anyone who has chosen to place – YOU are strong and YOU are brave!! Your life changes in ways you never expected. Open adoption brings families together – to love, learn, and cherish each other. Not only is Dayton in my thoughts, but so are his siblings. I would do anything for them. Dayton’s adoptive parents are some of the most amazing people I have ever met and they never fail at making me feel loved and appreciated.


There is such a bigger reason to live this life. Accept that there will be some emotional pain but seek people that build you up... you’ll get through. 

Choosing to place through an open adoption was right for me - I could never deny it. This journey is worth any hard moments that come. 

5 comments:

  1. I can't tell you enough how Everytime I read your blog I am just amazed at your strength and courage. I love your honesty and how you put your heart out there. You have such a loving heart!I admire what you were able to do being a mother myself of 4 and knowing what caring your child around for 9 months feels like. I think you are so brave and the positive attitude you share even with your true ups and downs of your emotions. You are one special women. My heart goes out to you. Thanks for sharing!

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    1. Lynetta, thank you for your compliments!! You're so sweet!! I'm glad to know that others enjoy what I put out in the world :) Thank you for reading!!

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  2. Kylie you inspire me as always to love unconditionally both myself and those in my life. Keep moving forward with your amazing perspective on the past. XOXO Kendra

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    1. Thanks Kendra!! I appreciate your constant support!! I'm so grateful to have so many second mothers that I can count on. Thank you for reading and for the kind words :)

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