Friday, June 20, 2014

Red Flags 101


My journey began with a choice - self agency at it’s finest. I blindly chose to be in a relationship with a young man who was unstable. I ignored red flags, made a wrong decision, and therefore faced a consequence. What a LARGE learning experience it was, but how thankful I am to have this so that I can in turn keep you from you such an emotional rollercoaster. Dating is already a hard thing! So many thoughts, emotions, and actions go into it. Unstable relationships with unstable guys is tortuous. It breaks you down and you forget who you are… as you sink into despair. My heart literally hurts when I see my girls “dealing” with an unstable person or situation.

Well I want you to know - I won’t allow it. You are worth so much more.

Today I am going to share with you my top three tip-offs that should NOT be ignored, and indeed, you should run in the opposite direction. Please pay close attention! This is such a serious matter:

1. He is manipulative.

This is seriously a skill for some guys. It is his ability to take something that he did or said that negatively affected you, but somehow through his words and ridiculous reasoning, makes it your fault. For example, you started out frustrated or upset at him for something, then suddenly you’re the one at fault because of something you “did” to “cause” his action. This doesn’t happen just once or twice in an argument - this is every single time there is a disagreement. His ability to manipulate your feelings and make you feel bad about something HE did, is absolutely NOT OK. Saying you’re sorry is important, but it gets old when the other person believes they walk on water. Walk away my pretty women, this is not right.

2. He is controlling.

Say goodbye to your way of life! Constant anxiety comes from a guy who is controlling. He asks you who you talk to, who you text, and where you go on a constant basis. Of course you’re not allowed to ask him the same though. Notice how he over reacts when you ask him? Then he proceeds to manipulate the situation and turn it on you? Hmmm. Maybe he thinks you listen to your mother’s advice too closely - suddenly you’re nervous to text her too. He reads your texts on a constant basis, claiming he can never trust you because of past relationships. I understand that some couples are open when it comes to their phones (which I agree you should be), but a guy who scopes your phone on the daily? Then gets mad at you for one reason or another? Definitely a red flag. Suddenly you find yourself incapable or restricted from doing things you used to. These include:

·         Hanging out with good friends because that would mean that they are more important than him (plus you’re not trustworthy, remember?).
·         Hitting the gym because he’s convinced that you’re only there to impress other males, and you don’t want him to think that!
·         Worst of all, you find yourself pulling away from your family because they don’t approve.

He knows it, and he manipulates you into thinking that cutting ties with your family will show him, and them, that he is most important. But guess what...it’s never enough for him…is it?

3. You’re gut is screaming at you.

Feel the anxiety? The constant pit in your stomach? Have you sunk entirely into a pitiful ball on the floor?? Get out. Leave. Move away. Tell your parents. Get a counselor. Your gut is ALWAYS right. Sorry to break it to you - he is NOT your whole world. It is vital that you listen and pay attention to that nagging feeling you wish would go away. I have found that my gut will act up as soon as just one date with someone. You can be saved from a world of manipulation and sometimes pure craziness if you just pay attention.

My dear readers, I know the feeling of despair. Finding your way out is beyond difficult, especially because at this point, you’re at it alone. However, even at my lowest points, there was that sliver of hope that would flitter through my mind. I had the Lord. If you find that you don’t have that sliver of hope, then I’m giving it to you. He WILL bring you strength when you have none. You feel worthless, exhausted, and sad...when you deserve to have a smile on your face. Take a step forward for you. Don’t let a man destroy you - not for a single second.

4 comments:

  1. Well written and so important for all daters to read.

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  2. Love this AND you!! Being in a relationship with someone like that can be SO damaging, it definitely broke my self confidence and respect as a teenager. Love this blog of yours.

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  3. Wow.. This is spot on. I lived in a marriage like this for over 7 years. I felt empty and so worthless everyone who mattered in my life eventually drifted away. I'm so grateful to be in a loving relationship now the difference is night and day.

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